Have any of you gone through divorce? This was a painful poem I wrote in 2010 when I first decided to get a divorce. I had a friend who was truly a friend to me that for some reason opened my eyes to my own deep sadness. Do you ever have friends that are simply by your side while you have a major awakening inside of yourself and you see things differently? And, you are gripped with fear of the future surrounding change while also completely aware of the past and that you must make a change in your life. This poem captures that moment of complete internal terror, when I realized I must change my life and get a divorce, with all of the confusion, fear and certainty that swirled in my mind. I add in parentheses the meaning behind my words though they dont belong in the poem so it makes more sense.
Fire Orange Skies…..Ignite Me
I wept amongst your wisps,
Sitting silently in sage.
(the desert floor)
Clouds splitting like a chasm,
(Rattlesnake Mountain in Eastern Washington)
The creases and folds echoed lavender,
(skyline view of orange and purple clouds)
Creaking painstakingly into the forefront like a memory.
You touched me there.
Raw. Unfettered. Isolated, yet liberated.
Where am I?
I claw at the confines of my knowing.
I wrestle with the discomfort of my womb.
I know the rhythm of my heartbeat.
It has been disrupted. BY YOU!!!!!
(me being mad at the friend for opening my awareness to my self — and the shock of my self realization.)
I fear, I back peddle, I shuffle, BACK.
Raging, running blind,
Fear, fear, back, back,back.
I hit the wall…..
The universal wall of hopelessness.
I hit the wall of “NO MORE.”
(the moment I realize I want a divorce)
No more running.
No more hiding.
No more fear.
No more shame.
You met me there.
(referencing the friend who was willing to just support me struggling to find me)
I come to you broken.
I come to you raw.
I come to you knowing…..
that in great shatterings there awaits a moment,
When the shards reform and crystallize into something new,
Full of exponential growth, like a kaleidoscope,
Full of possibility.
So, as you sit in your office surround,
The kaleidoscope teaches of unbridled creative possibility.
While the hourglass teaches of patience and timing.
The magnifying glass encourages a deeper look.
The Italian marbles are saying uniquely,
“we aren’t going anywhere soldier.”
(a set of objects in my friends office I had noticed that in fact were meant for ME to learn about MYSELF — but I projected that learning onto him due to my own blindness, not able to see ME. And I had just made the connection that is was me I was trying to find, see and understand.)
And the raven and the eagle look on knowingly.
Fire orange skies ignite me….teaching me of dawn.
Of new awakenings and days long gone.
~ L. Davis, #thepoetfarmer